27

I’m having these thoughts lately,
Weird, dark thoughts.
Although they’re not completely unfamiliar to me,
I’ve always felt this way on a milder level since as long as I can remember,
But as of now,
They’ve been taking a greater toll on me,
It’s strange,
How long will it go on this way?

I’m lost in deep introspection each day,
Trying to analyze and reason with my irrational thoughts,
They’ve already convinced me I’m destined to be this way,
Doomed and chained to the only feeling I know, cold solitude,
That cell where hope is bleak,
This slump doesn’t seem to let up any time soon.

Is it wise of me to continue down this road?
There’s only misery to keep me company,
Isn’t it pitiful when you lose all reason,
That you know, at the end of the day, it isn’t you that you breathe for?
Perhaps that’s why I keep suffocating.

Coming face to face with a brick wall,
Salvation drifts further away,
I’m just dusty baggage to you,
Am I weighing you down?
Cast me aside, I promise I won’t be upset,
I’d probably do that too if I were you.
I can’t change this thought even if I try to,
I’ve been alone for far too long to feel anything anymore,
I don’t think I can be altered,
There’s just numbness that I feel,
So hollow, like the smile you see,
Just,
Empty.
All I wanted was a normal life,
But it feels like something isn’t quite there anymore,
My soul is gone,
Consumed by the dark.

No matter how hard I try,
Nothing changes.
Is it true that only a fool keeps trying again and again,
Just hoping for a different outcome?
So far, it’s been holding true,
I haven’t been able to alter this feeling,
So how much longer do you think one should try?
All my attempts seem to be in vain,
I’m only driving myself insane at this point.

I don’t want to be blamed,
Please don’t tell me I didn’t try,
I’ve been trying since so long,
I don’t know what else I can do,
Nothing seems to work,
I keep coming back to this wicked crossroad,
The reason I still endure the pain,
Prolong this suffering,
Is for you,
But I don’t know how much more I can endure,
It’s sad when one can’t even end things on his terms,
But that’s going to change tonight.

I’m going to push one last time with all my might,
I know I can’t go on this way much longer,
And nor do I want to.
I’m all cried out,
Now it’s time I wipe the tears away,
Something has to change.
I will heal these wounds you can’t see.
I’m going to be happy,
Or at least try to,
Until the very last breath,
So that you don’t blame me for being weak later,
I can’t bear the burden of your remorse too,
Please promise to let me go if I fall short eventually,
Please don’t hate me the same way I do every single day.

I’ve thought over this for far too long,
Contemplating meticulously every single night.
Going on forever this way would be foolish.
Something has to give way now,
I’m letting go of the past now,
Drawing a line in the sand,
Like everything must have a deadline,
Tonight, I’m deciding my own.

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2 thoughts on “27

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  1. I remember when I turned 25. Mind you I had already had two failed suicide attempts by then but that birthday felt like I had nothing and no one to live for. I had nothing to show for my quarter century on this earth. I felt useless, insignificant and like a waste of a life.

    It passed. Like all things do given enough time and I learned how to manage my depression better.

    It all counts. It all makes up the whole.

    Wishing you happinesses this holiday season.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s really hard when this darkness is all that you can see.
      I’ve been trying to shake it off since the last 5 years but it keeps following. It pulls me back again, holding me hostage.
      But trust me, I’m trying to get this phase over with because it seems impossible to go on this way.

      On that note, I’m really glad you found your escape and I hope those feelings never return to you again.
      You seem like a great person, I’d like to thank you for reading and dropping this wonderful comment. If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to drop me a message any time ❤.

      Like

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