Thoughts & Prayers

Woke up to the sky outside tainted,
It’s only dawn, reddish crimson, the whole neighborhood is demonically painted,
Hopping out the bed, I can feel the bruise over my head, probably got that after being sedated,
Pulling out a Nina from the bedroom drawers, stacked the magazines, torn by my conscience, having second thoughts, why do I feel so discouraged?
I’ve felt this way for so long, I can’t come to grips with this disdain,
Grave and the air is heavy, it’s time to cease this pain, for this moment, a long while I debated,
A sinister premonition, it’s all set, I know by dusk I’ll be incriminated.

The walk to the campus is grimey,
Dead leaves rustling and broken twigs creaking.
Only hostility and a sense of senseless redemption envelopes me, it leaves my head in a blurry frenzy,
Deep inside, I’m just a lost kid detatched from reasoning.
I never had a listening ear, ostracized and alienated, I was always so lonely,
It made me turn to this monster, he was the only one to see how bad I was hurting.

A gloomy building looms up in the distance,
Surrounded by happy faces all around, the all too familiar bitterness has made its return.
Grey walls symbolic of my depression, I am left with no other stance,
That kid I despise, just thinking about the times he picked on me and seeing him so jovial makes my soul burn.
The girl who wants nothing to do with me, she adds fuel to the fire when she walks past with a scornful look, my hatred is only enhanced,
What do I do if authorities fail to acknowledge my plight, the anti-bully campaigns were all a farce, everyone keeps pushing me to my limits, to whom do I have to turn?

Being singled out and made a butt of all the jokes, it’s too tiring,
Even the lecturers ganged up on me, made me feel so small, no one else can be my salvation.
Sneaking in the semi-automatic was a piece of cake, I got it done with the help of little Erwin,
The laws are fortunately so lax, forging a fake license was easy and so was purchasing sufficient ammunition.
It’s imperative I be quiet, last thing I want to raise an alarm, and then strike without so much as a warning,
Equipped with silencers to avoid an undesired commotion.
The element of surprise will prevent anyone from fleeing,
I’m sorry, I can’t be held captive any longer by the center of detention.

Non-chalantly making my way to the front of the class midlecture,
Bolting the door as everyone stares back in bewilderment.
I grab the Derringer from my back-pack, squeals from the front row as realization strikes, it slowly sets in, the fear factor,
The people who acted tough just a minute ago, are now all cowering under their desks much to my amusement.
For my first victim, I chose a girl in the front-row, pulled her by her hair and put a bullet through her,
Who is to say what’s wrong and what’s right, for her to die today, that is what was meant.

After cleansing the class, I step foot outside,
What a beautiful sight,
Students pushing one another, just seeking some form of respite,
Bet no one thought I was capable of this, but I can be quite a surprise,
I had warned you to quit pushing my buttons, now face the wrath of my uprise,
I’m so sorry, I never wanted any of this, I know guilt and uneasiness will be my only prize.

Tears, bloodshed and more tears, the only outcome of this senseless altercation,
This is for everything they’ve put me through, all this infinite ammunition,
There’s a little boy on the opposite side of the barrel, quivering in fear, legs rooted in trepidation,
The girl that I liked, I found it easier to pull the trigger than walk up to her and strike a conversation,
What made me this way, was it this constant fear of rejection?
No one ever understood me, all they did was scorn, I was always a victim of that superstition,
It was hard to come grips with reality, I had no hope, I couldn’t go on this way, spoke my realization.
That was the old me, now I’ve come to bury my past, witness my transformation,
I’ve awoken an untapped beast, my only way out is through aggression,
This phase in my life when bloody violence became my only restitution,
The darkness is an ally and the only salvation.

No one cared about how I was mentally debilitated,
Suddenly, it’s my fault for just trying to retaliate.

Emptying clip after clip, it doesn’t cease, my vicious and relentless onslaught,
Children and staff running helter-skelter, in a frenzy, panicking as they hear more shots,
Time is running out, I need to pick up the pace, it’s only a matter of time before someone files in a report,
Out the corner of my eyes, I see the science professor taking aim with his glock,
Too bad I shot him first before his shaky fingers had a chance to retort,
Bodies strewn around every corner, disfigured beyond recognition, I stumble over a rotting corpse,
A noise seems to be emanating from the distance, it’s getting closer, sirens blaring, it’s the cops.

My head starts spinning and the world turns a noisy blur,
I know this is it, this is the end, there is no other way.
There is no running away this time for sure,
For such a tragic crime, this is my price to pay.
Putting the gun to my head before this whole place is turned to a horrendous memoir,
My life flashes before I see that final ray.
Where did it go wrong, all the regrets and unfinished desires,
Looking at all the pain I’ve caused, it was never my intent, how could I have gone so astray?
The vengeance I had been seeking, it wasn’t worth it, I was consumed by a blind and reckless ire,
Apologies aren’t enough, the same ordeal I must go through for my sins to be repaid.

What option was I left with being so misunderstood and left ostracized,
All I wanted was for someone to sympathize,
Instead, when they pushed me to limits this far, I’ll forever in the eyes of the public remain demonized,
There is no excuse, watching the pain and hurt I’ve caused, no words would ease the pain or suffice but for the hurt I’ve caused, I sincerely apologize,
To any one who thinks they can empathize, I can only hope me they do not idolize,
These kinds of incidents, it’s never entirely the fault of any one party, they all have their reasons to feel victimized,
Sit down for a second, and through the eyes of a troubled adolescent, try to visualize,
Instead of permitting more guns, how about it is more counseling centers that we institutionalize,
Why can’t we address this issue and work together to minimize,
Rather than brush it under the rug and make excuses, for all that does is normalize,
Thoughts and prayers don’t work, it’s about time you realize,
Until you finally wake up and take action, how many more of us must be used as sacrifice?

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13 thoughts on “Thoughts & Prayers

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  1. Thats fine. You do what you need to do. When there is no one there to look after you, to listen to you, to laugh and cry and punch or kick shit with you… You do whatever you can think of because what else is there to do?
    But I’m here now, I’m here to listen. I’m here to recognise your plight, your pain. I’ve been there, seriously. I know what it’s like. I’ve been there before, and I’ve lost so much and caused so much havoc in my wake. However it was hearts i broke, psyches I split. And I’m on a mission to heal the hurt I caused. For myself. I started this to help myself, and when people started reading my shit, I wanted to reach out and not be alone…
    You’ve got a friend in me. And you can always reach out in times of need. But think of me as a mother figure and not a potential lover. I have my relationship with my husband in need of desperate repair. For my strength and fortitude comes from him.. And his from mine. It’s only when we are happy and in harmony that life has a chance to continue to grow.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I wrote this to bring to the light this sensitive issue everyone seems to just brush under the carpet thinking things will change by themselves. I’m sick of the primary response being, ‘Don’t use this incident to force your narrative on curbing guns’ or ‘More guns would have prevented this’ and the like.
      But that’s not to say that I don’t have my own struggles with loneliness, so I will definitely take you up on your offer, Kalliope. If there’s anyone I need to vent to, I’ll remember this, so thank you for that ❀. And likewise, I’d be more than happy to hear you out any time too.
      Just the realization and willingness to reverse the damages you may have caused shows just how much you’ve matured as a person and I’m proud of you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I really do hope life is treating you well now, the way you deserve to be treated.
      Your husband is lucky to have someone like you, and as are you for having someone like him. A new friend is always appreciated.
      Wish nothing but the best for you, Kalliope ❀❀.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you so much. I’m going to call you Fez. πŸ™‚
        It’s good to connect with others. Thank you again for sharing your writing, your words, and your motivation behind your words! For that is the true power of words, because the words themselves are the vehicles of ideas – representations of the truth of the message. Not just the surface appearance, but the idea and emotion and the… soul! xoxoxox

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And I suppose Kelly suits you so that’ll be the way I’m gonna call you haha ❀.
        And that’s a wonderful insight you’ve shared. People often overlook, or fail to realize just how strong words can be. The choice of words tells so much about a person it’s amazing haha πŸ˜„.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. The song “Accidentally Kelly St” by Frente! springs to mind. The choice of words reveals the heart of the messenger, the receipt of those words shows the spirit of the receiver. 😎

        Liked by 1 person

  2. A remarkable piece of writing, Sulaiman. You truly have a gift. Recurrent violence is a tragic dilemma our nation is attempting to grapple with…especially when it takes place among young people, in a school setting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just a little bit of education and empathy from both sides and influx in counseling centers should do the trick. I really hope we can at least minimize, if not completely eliminate, incidents like the one in Colombine and the like.
      And oh, thank you for your lovely words, Anna ❀.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your mind is incredibly destructive. You are way good at thrillers too.
    Although when the gun was purchased, it made me laugh thinking that you’re gonna fight the depression out with a gun.πŸ˜‚
    And the sheriff was the most awaited.πŸ˜‚ Well, I am really worried after reading this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A powerful and horrible poem. I feel you may have gotten close to what is in some young men’s minds when they take the guns to school, a theater, a bank.
    We must learn to treat one another with respect. There are a few people I dislike. I avoid them when I can, and when I can’t, I remain polite. We must also learn to ask for the help we need. Both offering respect and asking for help may be difficult, but if we are to have a safe and sane society, we must.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Fortunately, this is one of those stories which is completely fiction. I actually really enjoyed my school life to the point I sometimes wish I could relive it haha.
      I completely agree with you. Even if one is unable to see eye to eye with another person, the very least he can do is at least respect him and not protrude where his interference isn’t necessary (unless of course the other person is causing harm to someone else).
      It boggles my mind to see how people overlook the very thing that makes humans unique, our vast diversity.
      Thank you for your lovely insight, I do hope we as a society move forward collectively as one rather than continue to be chained by these self imposed shackles.

      Like

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