Monotony

I tire of this monotony,
Time just doesn’t pass,
From the window, the world seems so lively,
But inside, it’s bleak and grey,
A thick shade of monochrome from the ceiling to the marble tiles,
The door is locked,
Leaving me trapped since so long,
I’ve forgotten what the sky looks like,
The only shade I’m familiar with is this dull grey,
The one that has me enveloped,
Blinded and left me restless.

The sun or the moon,
What’s the difference?
They’re both just spheres in the sky,
Far out of reach, just like sanity and satisfaction.
Is it day or night,
I can’t tell the difference,
They’re the same colorless shade, just like my lifeless soul.

I don’t know where I’m going,
Or if I’m even moving at all,
The pages on the calendar keep turning,
But the grey remains constant,
What’s the point?
I don’t have anything to look forward to,
Sleeping is the only way to kill time,
But even it eludes me.
Counting sheeps doesn’t work,
Even the Sandman has deserted me,
The only conversations I have are with myself,
It’s just me with my thoughts,
Even when everything is dead silent,
That’s when all my insecurities gang up on me.

A mind that always keeps asking one question,
A question needless to say I have no answer to,
Lost in contemplation,
How did I end up this way?
Where I can’t even do what I want,
I’m tired of blaming myself,
I have nothing to do with it,
From your perspective, I’m probably coming off as entitled,
Bit far fetched when I never had any rights to begin with,
Or a peace of mind.
I always live in constant fear,
To the point that it’s made me this nervous wreck,
I didn’t choose to be this way,
Nor did I just mope around and wallow in self pity,
I’m not one to point fingers,
But it’s hard when you’re pulled right back in the shadows,
Reasoning is a waste of time,
It’s like going in circles.

The vagueness of it all,
Uncertainty that leaves me mystified,
In an effort to escape,
I’m only digging me a deeper pit,
My fingers that keep clawing its insides hoping to climb out,
But in reality, I fall deeper,
This vicious grey only clings tighter,
Sticks all over my being,
Makes me feel so gooey.
I have no other option but to be patient,
To see it out.

To see the shadows that have long deserted me,
They seem so happy once our paths diverged.
Grown so further apart that it’s hard to tell we were once the same,
While I’m still at the same place I was so many years ago,
Trying to hold myself together,
Pulled apart limb by limb by this tedium,
Juggling so many things at once,
Being in a position where you’re torn between your happiness,
And coming clean with my conscience,
I don’t want to be selfish, to be despised and be subjected to more hate,
But I also don’t want to cope with this loneliness, I don’t want to bawl my eyes out, muffled by the pillows.
I’ve been posed with this dilemma all this while.
Am I handling it right?
I’m curious,
Tell me,
What would you do in my shoes?

It’s almost over now though.
Soon, something has to give,
One way or the other, I will be free from this prison,
I’ve already accepted the consequences,
It’s only a matter of time,
And I won’t look back either,
Until all this will be is just a painful episode,
But what bothers me most,
Is that at the end of this depressing ordeal,
I’ll have no memories to reminisce,
Only tales of intense solitude,
Because when I look back now, I don’t see anything,
Just a gaping emptiness,
A void that may never be filled.
I’m dripping from head to toe,
In this greasy, thick tar-like greyness,
I want to throw it off,
But I only end up being more devoured by it.

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6 thoughts on “Monotony

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  1. Fez. Do you really not know what to do? Surely, YOU know… we add red! By fire or by blood, it matters not. But something will burn, or it will bleed. Well… those are the only 2 options *if* you want to be free.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do know, Kelly. But it’s easier said than done. While I’ll definitely be happier, it comes at a heavy price.
      I’ll finally be free but maybe something will always keep pricking my conscience and it may turn out that the guilt just wasn’t worth it in the end. This is where I’m always torn. I wish I could tell you in detail but I guess this is something I must figure out on my own.

      Like

  2. I could not help but find this post troubling, Sulaiman. You have a strong mind, whatever the obstacles you’re facing. That you can write in such a compelling and coherent fashion is a sign of your sanity. There will be brighter days. When you look back from that vantage point, your pain will be a distant memory.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Celeste. Although it’s unfortunate that it struck a cord with you too.
      I’ll remember and take you up on your kind offer. Just know that it’s both ways. My inbox is always open if you need to vent or a listening ear or whatever ❤.

      Like

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