All my life I was constantly told,
That I wasn’t anything special,
To the point I even hear these cruel words whispered to me by my reflection in the mirror each morning,
And screamed at by my mind every night before I fall asleep,
No matter what I do,
It’s never good enough,
Something is always left to be desired,
This obsession of perfection seemingly doesn’t come to an end,
I know I’ll never be good enough,
Not for your standards,
I even resent these poems,
There’s always something missing,
An ingredient out of my reach,
A certain oomph that eludes me,
I can’t put a finger to it.
When I look around me,
I find myself engulfed by an overwhelming inferiority,
You’ve always said so too,
I’m a constant disappointment,
What should one do,
When his mind becomes his worst enemy,
When the only person who could love me; doesn’t,
I’m always lost in my mind,
It’s such a sinister and intimidating place to be in,
Eternal darkness and a gaping hole,
The depth of the pit which I can’t fathom,
I keep falling through helplessly,
Flailing arms desperate to grab on to something,
Just to hold me together,
But I’m always met with nothingness.
It’s always more darkness which greets me,
Incompetency casts it’s towering shadow over me,
There’s no light at the end this tunnel,
I feel like I’m drowning,
The harder I push,
The more deeper I’m submerged,
But I’m exhausted,
It’s sad when you’re a disappointment to your own self,
When you can’t hold yourself together anymore,
I’m exhausted of loathing myself,
So much so that the mask is slowly starting to crack,
Exposing the ghastly burns on my flesh,
The crimson red scars,
Bit by bit,
These horrid lesions are taking over me,
An itch which only aggravates the wounds,
Even my skin despises me,
One misery only feeds the other in this vicious cycle.
These steel bars confine me,
Locked away in the cage of mediocrity,
My thoughts form these manacles,
It’s so much harder to break through than I could ever imagine.
I push and I push,
But there’s no point of it all,
Not when you merely exist,
It doesn’t matter,
I don’t matter,
Can I let go now?
I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to your expectations,
For everything you thought I would be,
That image only drifts further away from sight,
I’m sorry that even my best wasn’t enough,
I guess I wasn’t as valiant as you thought I was,
Just another thing to add to a growing list of times I let you down.
I have nothing of value to offer anyway,
I’m sorry, but I want to be left alone now,
I know I said I’d go on for now,
But I want to rest comfortably without a worry in mind,
To finally breathe easy without this immovable burden.
If only I could detach me from myself,
Is there a way to numb the pain?
Maybe it’s selfish of me,
But I want someone to hug me,
To just for a second envelop me in their warm embrace,
I’ve pretended to be strong for far too long,
But just for a change,
I want someone to sit beside me and hear me whine,
Comfort and reassure me,
To tell me that it’s okay,
That things will work themselves out.
But of course,
No one really sees the true pitiful me.
How could they?
I’m still locked in my room,
Left inside with my greatest nemesis,
Maybe this was destiny,
That I be devoured in hate,
Without ever getting a whiff of something as pure and rejuvenating as love.
I’m broken on the inside,
I’ll just succumb to fate,
Hope only prolongs the suffering,
I’m not going to fool myself anymore.
Things will never change.
No matter how hard I try,
I know I’ll never be enough,
Maybe it’s best to just give up now.