Insecurities

All my life I was constantly told,
That I wasn’t anything special,
To the point I even hear these cruel words whispered to me by my reflection in the mirror each morning,
And screamed at by my mind every night before I fall asleep,
No matter what I do,
It’s never good enough,
Something is always left to be desired,
This obsession of perfection seemingly doesn’t come to an end,
I know I’ll never be good enough,
Not for your standards,
I even resent these poems,
There’s always something missing,
An ingredient out of my reach,
A certain oomph that eludes me,
I can’t put a finger to it.

When I look around me,
I find myself engulfed by an overwhelming inferiority,
Constantly dwarfed,
You’ve always said so too,
I’m a constant disappointment,
What should one do,
When his mind becomes his worst enemy,
When the only person who could love me; doesn’t,
I’m always lost in my mind,
It’s such a sinister and intimidating place to be in,
Eternal darkness and a gaping hole,
The depth of the pit which I can’t fathom,
I keep falling through helplessly,
Flailing arms desperate to grab on to something,
Just to hold me together,
But I’m always met with nothingness.

It’s always more darkness which greets me,
Incompetency casts it’s towering shadow over me,
There’s no light at the end this tunnel,
I feel like I’m drowning,
The harder I push,
The more deeper I’m submerged,
But I’m exhausted,
It’s sad when you’re a disappointment to your own self,
When you can’t hold yourself together anymore,
I’m exhausted of loathing myself,
So much so that the mask is slowly starting to crack,
Exposing the ghastly burns on my flesh,
The crimson red scars,
Bit by bit,
These horrid lesions are taking over me,
An itch which only aggravates the wounds,
Even my skin despises me,
One misery only feeds the other in this vicious cycle.

These steel bars confine me,
Locked away in the cage of mediocrity,
My thoughts form these manacles,
It’s so much harder to break through than I could ever imagine.
I push and I push,
But there’s no point of it all,
Not when you merely exist,
It doesn’t matter,
I don’t matter,
Can I let go now?

I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to your expectations,
For everything you thought I would be,
That image only drifts further away from sight,
I’m sorry that even my best wasn’t enough,
I guess I wasn’t as valiant as you thought I was,
Just another thing to add to a growing list of times I let you down.
I have nothing of value to offer anyway,
I’m sorry, but I want to be left alone now,
I know I said I’d go on for now,
But I want to rest comfortably without a worry in mind,
To finally breathe easy without this immovable burden.

If only I could detach me from myself,
Is there a way to numb the pain?
Maybe it’s selfish of me,
But I want someone to hug me,
To just for a second envelop me in their warm embrace,
I’ve pretended to be strong for far too long,
But just for a change,
I want someone to sit beside me and hear me whine,
Comfort and reassure me,
To tell me that it’s okay,
That things will work themselves out.

But of course,
No one really sees the true pitiful me.
How could they?
I’m still locked in my room,
Left inside with my greatest nemesis,
Maybe this was destiny,
That I be devoured in hate,
Without ever getting a whiff of something as pure and rejuvenating as love.
I’m broken on the inside,
I’ll just succumb to fate,
Expectations hurt,
Hope only prolongs the suffering,
I’m not going to fool myself anymore.
Things will never change.
No matter how hard I try,
I know I’ll never be enough,
Maybe it’s best to just give up now.

25 thoughts on “Insecurities

Add yours

    1. Thank you for your reassuring words, Kunal ❤.
      As for your question, I’m not quite sure myself. I guess this feeling of incompetency stemmed from my childhood and still followed me this far. I hope to get rid of it soon though x.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We often attach a lot of things that seem difficult at the moment. It’s normal. But they appear different from a different perspective (after some time passes).

        Like

  1. So this spoke to me because I’ve been there. Insecurity combined with perfectionism can create a powerful inner voice that turns us into our own worst enemy. The pursuit of perfection is a destructive mission. Striving for excellence should be the goal – and accepting our best effort. But it involves silencing that hateful inner voice that does not try to make us better and only seeks to drown our voice. But it is a difficult task.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad it resonated so well with you. Although it’s unfortunate you once felt this way.
      You’re right though, it’s so important to draw a distinct and marked line between the pursuit of perfection and that unhealthy obsession with it. That line’s so often blurry that it becomes hard to distinguish between the two though.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So many in the world share these insecurities, Sulaiman. Whether not properly nurtured, rejected by a loved one, or otherwise hurt by the world, their pain lingers. That you have the capacity to give voice to it is a great gift.

    Your value derives from the fact you are a child of God. He doesn’t make junk. Your life has meaning, even if you have not yet found your road. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  3. You definitely have a way with words, but I know that despite that, you can always feel insecure, especially if you were brought up in a home where you were not loved and treated as the sacred individual you are, and that we all are.
    Jo Coudert, a famous actress and writer in her day (she is no longer with us) once wrote this book, Advice from a Failure. In it, she says, “Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave nor lose. To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution. ” This is, I belief that we all must come to understand and accept for ourselves. If we do not learn to love our own selves, no matter what others think or thought about us or whether or not anyone else loves us, we will never find love outside ourselves. We all need to talk to that wounded inner child and let (in your case) him know that you will never desert him, and that you will protect and care for him and love him all your life. Then too, every day to remind ourselves, we need to take a piggy bank (it could be a jar with a lid, etc.) and put something into it for our inner child. It could be just a penny or whatever type of money you use in your country. And at night, before we go to sleep, we need to give that child a big hug and let them know once again that he is loved, he is sacred in this world, and that you are going to always take care of him. As you come to love yourself, you will find that others will be drawn to you and will come to love you for all that is good within you. We all have inherent good in us, and we need to come to recognize it and trust that good that we have within us. Thank you for the great writing. Next time, try writing as someone who is coming to appreciate yourself from within. You CAN do it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment genuinely made me smile, Anne. Thank you for taking the effort to read and type in your wonderful words and for making my day a bit brighter ❤❤.
      That’s right. No matter what someone says, it’s more than likely you’ll be left alone at the end of the day and therefore it’s imperative you be your own best friend rather than a nemesis.
      I’m trying to work on that; on self acceptance, because if even you don’t love yourself, how could you expect others too, isn’t that right?
      Self-love is an important step in maturity and growth of a person. For that, I’d have to shed everything that scarred me in the past and start anew.
      It’ll be a long journey, but hopefully, not a futile one.

      Once again, thank you very much for your lovely words and the time, Anne. I really do appreciate it ❤❤.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s really well conveyed through powerful imagery – luckily not too relatable as ‘yes, THAT’S exactly what I’ve been though’, more of a ‘yes, that’s what it FEELS like’. Keep writing! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart felt heavy reading this because I can relate to it. I went years feeling like I’m not good enough and sometimes the feeling crops up from time to time. By speaking your story you’re helping so many people. That in itself shows how important your existence is on this earth 🌷

    Liked by 1 person

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