Lament

I find myself falling in your thoughts again,
Under the starry sky which I look upon,
In the middle of the night,
It’s got me wondering,
Do you still think about me too?
Are you looking up at the same sky,
Every single night,
Like I still do?
The sad songs I’ve plugged in,
They drown out in your memories,
The lyrics begin to sting,
Amplifying the pain,
But I still can’t turn away,
Perhaps I’m just a sucker for you,
This bittersweet feeling,
I torture myself this way each night,
And I still wonder why I can’t fall asleep.

In my head,
I rewind time,
That’s the one thing I can do.
Back to when we gazed into the stars together,
Leaning against each other,
You,
In my lap,
As I played with your hair,
Running my fingers through them,
No matter how many times I wash them,
They still smell of you,
Your reaffirming presence,
Under one giant blanket,
That we both hunched into,
Snuggling into each other,
Just the warmth of your body,
The sound of your voice,
The way you intertwined your fingers in mine,
I miss it so much.

But now,
It’s all deserted me.
I’m still here,
And you’re nowhere in sight,
It’s just me by myself,
I can’t believe how much things have changed,
Nothingness greets me,
And I don’t know what to do anymore,
Maybe I was too used to you,
So much so that I started to take you for granted.
The sharp wind pierces through my lonely heart,
Will it sound silly,
If I say that it’s almost like I can hear your voice from around the corner?

I know you said you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore,
If there’s one thing I’ll ever remember,
It’ll be those stinging words of yours.
But every now and again,
I have this urge to see you again,
It doesn’t matter if you still hate me,
Or that you greet me with that cold stare again which sent shivers down my spine when you walked out the door,
I know you will always despise me,
But I still want you to know how sorry I am.

It’s probably behind you now,
But I need to come clean to myself,
They say you know the value of someone after they’re gone,
And I’ll have this regret trailing me like a shadow,
I’m done pointing fingers,
Shifting the blame when I’m the only one who should shoulder the burden,
Even if it means having my back broken,
Without you waiting for me on the other side,
This crushing weight,
It was always mine to begin with.
It’s water under the bridge for you,
But I’m going to acknowledge and take responsibility of all my flaws.

It’s like,
I’ve been in a deep slumber all this while,
My head is still woozy,
And my heart, so damn heavy,
You never leave my mind,
Memories,
Sweet and bitter,
I remember saying we should hold on to every last memory,
That it’ll be something we look back on fondly,
Even if we aren’t together anymore,
We should still hold on to the precious memories of us.
That’s what I used to say.

But now,
Wouldn’t it be so much easier if I could forget it all?
I wish I could start over,
To let go of everything,
The more I look back on us,
The more I hate my reflection.
They said we’re not meant to be,
Maybe there is a grain of truth in it,
And that’s what I dread most.

When you needed me most,
I’ve always neglected you,
I thought you’d be fine on your own,
I was nowhere around when you needed a shoulder to cry on,
Instead of holding you close to my heart,
I kept seeing you as baggage,
I now know,
It was the other way around.
You were the one to hold me together,
Your voice of reason kept me sane,
Your unconditional love made me blind,
Holding me through dark nights just like this one,
The patience you’ve shown me until you finally snapped,
You probably don’t realize how much I still appreciate it.

We spent so much time building each other up,
Only for me to tear it down in a flash,
My immaturity became our undoing,
I’m sorry for falling short,
I’ve been a child,
Avoiding your emotions,
And simply just not having cared enough.
Right in front of my eyes,
I was blind to your suffering,
And no matter how much I curse myself now,
I know we’re past apologies,
Like you reminded me so reproachfully,
There is nothing left to salvage.

But this I can say though,
Even if I was immature,
I’ve always loved you,
That was never a lie,
Please don’t be mistaken,
All the good moments we shared together,
I was genuinely happy whenever I was around you,
You made me feel so special,
I just didn’t realize back then,
Your arms were my haven,
And though I didn’t know how,
I wanted mine to be your sanctuary.
I can only hope you know that none of that was a lie.

I was so used to waking up next to you each morning,
To the face of an angel,
Strands of your hair always found a way to be lost in mine,
Weren’t things so much better back then?
I always hoped that that was what was destined,
But I should have known better,
When I had a reason which made life so much better,
I was happy,
That should have been premonition enough,
And now I wake up all alone,
Or next to someone whose eyes don’t have half the love which yours did.

I still have this tiny hope,
Everyone says it’s absurd,
That I’m counting stars during the day,
And it’s probably true,
I know it deep down,
But I can’t help but hold on to that little ray,
I realize I don’t want anyone else,
I won’t ever tell you this but,
It’s just you I’m still so madly in love with.

I’ve been through break-ups before,
And they never bothered me this much,
But I can’t shake you off,
Nor can I let you go,
Even if you won’t accept me anymore,
I promise I won’t bother you,
I’ll leave you be,
I’ll give you as much space as you need,
I don’t blame you one bit,
Why would I?
On introspection,
It’s only me whom I resent,
I’m accustomed to this regret following me everywhere.

But maybe somewhere down the line,
You will find it in your heart to forgive me,
To work on us again,
Only this time,
And I swear about this,
You’ll have no complaints.
Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?
Or have you fallen out of love with me?
Am I the only one trapped in the bottom of this ditch,
Hoping for your hand to pull me out?

Does this sound as foolish as it does in my head,
That your embrace will numb out this unbearable pain again?
I’ll probably never find out,
I want to heal you,
And to be healed by you,
I can just continue to stay foolishly optimistic,
One of these nights,
We’ll gaze up at the same sky again,
Together,
Just like the old times,
You’ll kiss me again under the same moon you got me to love too,
And we’ll both be okay again.

Maybe,
Just maybe,
It’s that foolish belief,
Which even if I don’t tell anyone,
It’s what keeps me going.

7 thoughts on “Lament

Add yours

    1. It’s something of a bittersweet experience, I’d say. Part of you is glad to see them, at least in your thoughts, while the other half knows the struggle that will follow to try and forget them again.
      It’s one of those things which you must experience at least once in your life ❤️.

      Like

  1. You must either be very much in love with writing poetry or with the one for whom you wrote this piece, to write so lengthily on one subject, one poem.
    Poetry is not only in the lines but also between the lines. Well done. I love this.

    Liked by 1 person

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