Sentimental

Lately,
I’ve been feeling oddly different,
It’s a bit difficult to explain,
But I didn’t tend to overthink things a lot before,
Nor was I so easily moved to tears over the littlest of things.

I’m not quite sure what it is,
But recently,
My heart feels heavier,
Tears always threaten to flow down,
I’m seeing a side to me,
That I didn’t think existed,
I’m lost in my thoughts more often than usual.
Perhaps it’s this loneliness,
But these days,
Even reading a book,
Or watching a movie,
Makes me choke up,
And the lump in my throat,
Seems to be unerring.

I don’t know what to do,
I’ve always thought of myself as strong,
As someone who could have a grip on his emotions,
But now,
I slipped up,
And suddenly,
Somehow everything’s all different,
This unfamiliar sentimentality is unsettling,
It’s like watching myself fall apart,
Being torn limb to limb,
By these contradictory thoughts,
Right in front of my eyes.

Maybe I don’t know myself as well as I thought I did,
Every time I think I figured myself out,
A new aspect makes me think otherwise,
But I liked it before,
When I was cold and indifferent,
Things didn’t really bother me back then,
I could just shrug it off,
It was so much easier,
To deal with my solitude then.
The same loneliness,
That, now in retrospect,
Seems so daunting,
And it makes me want to break down and cry.

Be it a conversation between strangers that I end up overhearing,
Someone I know nothing about,
And I still find myself on the cusp of tears as she recalls her breakup,
And my eyes well up,
When I see a couple on the park bench,
Just spending time together.
I know exactly how ridiculous it sounds,
And I’m surprised at myself too.
Is it longing,
Or just emotions which are to blame?

I find myself waking up at odd hours,
For no apparent reason,
But with a certain heaviness in my soul,
And I can’t seem to drift off again,
A sinking feeling in my heart,
The emptiness I felt over the years,
Is gradually being replaced by something more sinister,
A strange sort of melancholy I can’t quite comprehend,
A persistent abject loneliness that refuses to go away.

This new perception of how I perceive things,
In a world,
That sees sensitivity,
As weakness,
Something to be exploited,
I’d always try to maintain an unbothered demeanor,
Something that’s getting harder to do now.
I figured that the less I let things affect me,
The more easily I could get through this ordeal,
I’ve been by myself all this while,
Stifling up my mind seemed like the logical choice.

But now that that’s all changed,
Now that I’m a stranger,
To my own self,
Everything I held inside,
It threatens to come out at once,
In an enormous flood,
Everything I kept locked inside,
Keeps knocking,
Begging to be let out,
And while I still have them at bay,
I’m not sure for how much longer.
It’s getting tougher and tougher,
To hold myself together,
It’s probably only a matter of time,
Before I succumb to my tears,
And let them overpower me,
Blinking them back is an option fast fading away.
All I want to do,
Is to sink in my bed,
Fall headfirst on my pillow,
And bawl my eyes out,
Until they’ve completely dried out,
And after what seems like an eternity,
Fall asleep in an uninterrupted slumber,
Until the time I open my eyes,
And finally feel rejuvenated.

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