Solus

The familiarity,
And bleakness of it all,
Only this dark situation that I’ve known all my life,
I don’t say it often,
I try to hide it to the best of my ability,
I’ve learnt to live with it,
But every so often this feeling comes crashing into me again,
So intense that I don’t know what to do,
It takes an overwhelming toll on my mind,
So alone,
I’m so alone,
And this is the way it’s always been.

You’d think I’d be used to it by now,
Maybe I honestly am,
I’ve adapted well to hiding myself behind the shadows,
All my vulnerabilities and insecurities,
I’m always careful of what I say,
What I show,
Is just the tip of the iceberg.
You don’t know,
Not even a fraction of it,
After all,
Even in this personal space I’ve made for myself,
You see only what I choose to reveal,
And I’m very careful of what I divulge,
There are certain doors to my mind which even I’m afraid to open,
I keep them barricaded in case I’m tempted.

Some nights I get so caught up in my mind,
I can’t get my thoughts straight,
Nights like these,
When I feel fragile,
I wish I had someone to hold me,
To maybe hear me out,
I’m hunched over in a corner,
Head in my hands,
Waiting for my dried up tears to flow.
If there is no one I turn to,
Of course they wouldn’t know how I truly feel,
If I keep myself caged this way,
It’s only counterproductive to what I seek,
It defeats it’s very purpose,
I know I should probably ask for help,
But then again,
I have little choice,
I don’t really have many people I can talk to,
What if I drive them away too?
Wouldn’t that only further fuel my loneliness?

Being accustomed doesn’t mean growing fond,
If only I’d have a chance,
I’d be out of this mess,
In the blink of an eye.
If I was really as free as I’d hope,
But it’s such a tricky situation,
The factor responsible for this predicament I’m in,
It’s not hate,
Forgive me if I sound insensitive,
But hate is easier to break away from,
When you walk away,
As hideous as the scars that may remain,
You don’t have to turn back around,
But when it is love that cages you,
It gives you no room to move,
Almost suffocating.

This tricky sort of love,
This toxic variation,
It’s enough to drive me insane,
As it so often does,
Everything I do is wrong,
I lost my identity long back,
I don’t even remember who I was earlier,
It’s like growing numb,
First,
It’s protests,
The struggle,
Then,
Come the tears,
When you realize exactly the hopelessness of the situation,
And finally,
It is indifference,
The point where you still hurt,
But you know you can’t do anything about it,
So the pain just becomes a daily emotion,
Something I should just shake off without trying to fix it.

I’m afraid,
That this lid I keep on myself,
Will someday pop,
And lay waste to everything I tried so hard to preserve all these years,
Even if that ship has sailed,
I don’t want to be the one at wrong,
But with each passing day,
I feel as though I’m losing more of my sanity,
My mind reams at me,
And I have no answers,
I’m out of ways to pacify my conscience.
And if not that,
Even worse,
I’m scared I’ll lose touch with my emotions,
Keeping everything bottled inside,
I’ll always feel empty the way I feel now,
This isn’t what I chose to be,
Nobody told me it would be this hard.

I want to run away,
From myself,
From this loneliness,
But I keep ending up at this crossroad,
It trails me like a shadow,
No matter where I go,
It’s inescapable clutches pull me closer.

Will it always be this way?
There are innumerable ways to appease the physical body,
But how do I console my pained soul?
Hurting heart,
Did you realize how much they sound similar,
It can’t just be a mere coincidence.
I need a hug,
Somebody to hold me in their arms,
Even if for a fleeting second,
That’s all I want.

For my loneliness to disappear,
Even if for a moment,
Someone who understands me,
I realize it’s selfish of me.
But just this once,
Can’t I be selfish,
This one time?
Someone who stays through the night,
Even after dawn,
With the same love all night through,
Will that day ever come?

Probably not,
Not when I’m still pigeonholed in this cursed room,
And even if I were to break free,
Who’s to say that that’s the answer?
Even if I end up meeting the right person,
Maybe I’d been lonely for far too long now,
I wouldn’t know what to do,
I don’t think I know how to love anymore,
I’ve been way too out of touch of this beautiful emotion,
That I fear I’ll pass the effect of this trauma on someone who’s only trying to help me,
This baggage which I must bear alone,
If I can’t reciprocate the love,
I’ll only end up loathing myself more,
For inflicting pain on someone,
Just trying to look out for me.

Is there a way to start all over again?
From scratch?
I want to factory-reset my mind,
Let the past be where it belongs,
In the past.
Not a new chapter,
If I am able to,
I want to start a new book,
The pages of which,
Don’t ever have that ugly word,
Loneliness,
On any of its pages.

I know it’s just wishful thinking.
After all,
Nothing ever changes,
Until you finally want it to remain the same,
And deep in my heart,
I know this loneliness is here to stay,
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
But,
If the opportunity presents itself,
When I can bail,
I will grab it with both hands,
And draw the curtains to this miserable episode,
Once and for all.
Because,
Even if it sounds selfish,
I know,
To be happy,
That is the one thing,
I owe myself the most.

12 thoughts on “Solus

Add yours

  1. Whoa, hot damn! You know, the more “baggage” one accrues, the finer their wisdom and the more beautiful their love light shines The myth of baggage is just that. You are extraordinary at bringing the reader into your heart and soul where they can identify. Most beautiful I say. I can only quote from a song I love: “If you’ve got a problem, , I don’t care what it is. If you need a hand, I can assure this, I can help. I got two strong arms, let me help.” Bully Swan

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You paint a heart-wrenching picture, Sulaiman. How much of this is fiction and how much a reflection of your own situation, I do not know. But you are not alone. God is always w/ us. You have talent that allows you to connect w/ others and express what often they cannot. That will bear fruit. There will be brighter days. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Parts of it were exaggerated and the others, the struggles I often deal with.
      I know you’re right though, maybe there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, or at least that’s what I should convince myself to believe.
      Thank you, as usual, Anna. I hope you’ve been doing well? ❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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