Expectations…

Being chased by a shadow each night,
I can feel its heavy breath on my shoulder,
Numbingly cold,
And unmistakably similar,
It’s got me backed into a corner,
Against the wall with no escape route,
The raspy voice grows in my ear,
Piercing right into my brain,
‘You’re not good enough.’,
It insists,
‘You’ll never be.’.

With fingers around my throat,
I find myself unable to move,
Ignoring my protests,
The grip only tightens until I can’t even shout for help,
Those dark eyes peer straight into my soul,
Hollow eyes and empty gaze,
So eerie it sends chills down my spine,
Emotionless,
Cold and unyielding,
It infiltrates my senses,
Imposing a weight of expectation I find myself burdened with,
Being crushed underneath,

This ghost follows me around,
Wherever I go,
It’s but a step behind,
Creeping up on me when I least expect it,
And sending me crashing down on the floor once again,
Though seen only to me,
Longer than I can remember,
This vicious shadow is the only companion I’ve ever known,
And as much as it sounds tempting,
I couldn’t imagine my life without it,
A shadow that imposes itself,
Even in the darkest of nights,

When it stifles my breath,
And shifts its immense weight over me,
During those long nights when sleep is elusive,
In which I’m neither awake,
Nor asleep,
Trapped in a state of half-awareness,
Barely conscious,
Have you been so terrified of your own mind,
That you can’t trust yourself to close your eyes,
In fear of the daunting memories and thoughts it might conjure?

I’m left staring emptily at the ceiling,
Blinking monotonously,
Doing anything to distract myself,
But doing a terrible job at it,
As the shadows eventually overpower me,
One hour, two hours,
At some point,
I lost track of time,
As I remained transfixed staring into nothingness,
Amidst the million things going through my mind,
Trying to compose myself,
Just enough to at least remember to keep breathing,

I don’t want to lose to this darkness,
But try as I may,
I can’t seem to salvage myself from this overwhelming ordeal,
No matter how much I shake it off,
This eternal blackness still clings on to me,
Threatening to devour me,
In my lonely, cold room,
There doesn’t seem to be a way out,
It’s true,
At times like this,
I find myself helpless,
And each night,
I’m unable to do anything,
As the darkness claims a bit more of my ravaged self,
And it’s only a matter of time,
Until it consumes me whole.

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