Fine

The key that you so casually slipped back in my hands,
It’s still warm off your touch,
A sharp contrast to your cold stare.
Your bags are already packed in a corner,
Just waiting to be picked up.
You always say you’ll leave,
But you’ve never taken it this far,
You’ve always reconsidered and taken me back.

But this time seems different.
So, babe,
Is this for real?
Or is it another one of your jokes?
I must have missed the funny part,
But looking at your grimace,
It seems so did you.
The key to the apartment you returned,
It’s meaningless when you’re the only home I’ve ever known.

I keep whispering that I love you,
It’s hard to speak while trying to fight back tears,
The lump in my throat became heavier as I plead you to reconsider, .
To unpack again,
And give me another chance,
One last chance,
I know I’ve said this before,
But I swear I mean every word this time,
I’ll treat you better than I did before,
I’ll hold you close,
And keep you as happy as you’ve always wanted us to be.

It’s almost as if you can’t hear me anymore,
Could it be that your mind’s already made up?
Is there really nothing I can do to stop you?
If not out of love,
Would you please stay out of pity?
Can’t you see how pathetic I am without you,
Lost and confused.
Are you going to just throw away everything we have so casually?
I know it meant as much to you as it did to me,
Maybe even more.
Stay,
Stay with me,
Even if you don’t love me anymore,
It doesn’t matter,
I’m past the point of caring anyway,
Please,
Whatever you do, just please don’t leave me alone.

I only want you to stay,
Is that too much to ask for?

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.
Apologies that are maybe a bit too late,
But that’s all what comes to mind.
That,
And the desperation to keep holding on to you.
These aren’t just empty words,
I know I’m at fault,
And I know I haven’t been treating you the way I should.

But I don’t want to start over.
Just the thought of it is painful.
I’ll swallow my pride and put it aside,
If that’s what it takes,
I’ll beg you to stay on my knees,
I wouldn’t know what I’d do without you.
Please don’t look through me as though I don’t exist,
I still need you,
It’s only you who can keep my insecurities at bay,
And it’s only your embrace where I feel most comfortable.
I’ll be honest,
I did some things that I regret,
But I promise that’s all in the past now.

Getting over you would mean losing a favourite part of me.
If not with you,
I know I’ll never be whole.
Wake me up and say that this is just a nightmare,
The little fights we had,
Minor disagreements and petty arguments,
I would take back every single word if I could,
I never wanted to push you so far away that you fall deaf to my desperate pleas.

I know you’re disappointed in me,
But please,
Please,
Don’t let that be why you give up on us,
I know what I did was unforgivable,
And even if I didn’t want to,
I’m sorry I still ended up breaking your heart.

Talking it out wouldn’t work this time,
Not when there’s nothing I can say to defend myself.
So this time,
I’ll only listen and own up to it,
You won’t hear any excuses.
Express your displeasure,
Yell at me,
Curse me,
Shout all you want.
You can even hit me,
As much as you like,
If that means you’ll stay,
Slap me,
Kick me,
Lash out at me with everything you have,
I promise I’ll take it all without any complains,
I know that’s what I deserve.
But please,
Whatever you do,
Just please don’t leave me.

I’ve let you down more times than I can remember.
And as many chances as you’ve given me,
Make this the last one,
Hold me to my word,
I didn’t mean for my misplaced anger and regrets to affect you,
It was never about you,
I appreciate everything you’ve done for me,
And I’ll always be grateful.
It’s just that unlearning the past has been a challenge,
It’s blinded me to the greatest thing that happened to me,
I never meant for my miserable past to sneak up into my fortunate present.

Everything that I wanted back then,
I have it all when I’m with you,
And I ought to have been thankful.
As hard as I tried,
I couldn’t truly learn to escape that loneliness,
I know you tried to help,
But in my desperation to not fall into that dark abyss again,
All I did was drag you down with me,
I can’t forgive myself for inadvertently hurting you.
The yesterday that I was supposed to outgrow,
It cast its cold, inescapable shadow over my today,
And threatens to destroy the tomorrow I’d yearned for.

I know it’s not your fault,
Nor was it ever your responsibility to break me out of my habits,
As hard as you’ve tried,
There’s only so much one can do.
You shouldn’t have to pay for my immaturity.
I never meant to put you through what I did.
I’ll accept the blame,
What I can’t unlearn,
I will only pass on,
And that would make me hate myself,
I realize now,
I’m growing to be the same person I loathed.

So,
I promise to change myself.
I can’t risk losing you,
I’ve already said this a million times now,
But,
I only want this one last chance.
Can’t you tell how sincere my apology is?
You’ve known me better than anyone.

Call it my selfishness,
Or my naivety,
I know you don’t love me anymore.
But please,
Just take me back,
Because this house is not a home,
Not when you’re not here with me.
Don’t step out of the door and walk away,
I know I’m making this difficult,
But please don’t go through with this.
Why won’t you turn around and come back?
I know you can hear me plead,
Don’t do this to me,
I still love you,
Even if just for a day,
Come back and hold me,
Hug me,
Let me feel your reassuring breath in my ear again,
And let me at least pretend,
That everything is
Fine.

10 thoughts on “Fine

Add yours

  1. A regret. A pardon A plea. All enclosed in verses that come from the deep feeling of a repentant heart. Very good your poem. I liked reading it. Well, your inspiration was very extensive and well directed.
    Manuel

    Liked by 1 person

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