Nights

And as the world falls more silent,
The streets become empty,
When darkness sets in,
The day has passed by,
It gives way to another beautiful night.
These nights,
I always feel conflicted,
Do I like them or not?
Is it a blessing or a curse?

Being awake in the after hours,
It’s something that I’m used to now,
Midnight seems early,
When the world sleeps on,
As diverse as they may be,
I’m still up with my thoughts,
Some nights are easier than the others,
There’s solace in a few,
And bitterness in the rest.
My only companion is my bustling mind and heavy heart,
There are often tears,
Occasional smiles of nostalgia,
Much as I despise few of these nights,
I’ve grown comfortable with being left alone this way.

I’d rather things stay this quiet,
Than hear that constant screaming which haunts me during the day,
No one to point out my incompetencies, but myself,
No one to follow me around and yell in my ears,
It’s this peace that’s made me grow fond of these nights,
I can do what I want,
Maybe catch up on my writing,
Drown away the sorrow with my music,
Or maybe just laze around by myself,
Things don’t spiral out of hand when I’m the only one up.

But this darkness,
It also always brings with itself that unsettling loneliness,
With serenity comes a realization,
Of just how alone I am,
I sit up, nights on end,
Thinking,
Pondering,
How nothing I do would ever matter,
And those feelings of emptiness come rushing back in a flash,
It’s never changed so far,
Of that I’m certain,
So will it always be this way?
Is this what I deserve?
The uncertainty, hopelessness and inescapability of it all,
I keep it hidden,
A secret,
But these questions render me an anxious wreck and make me question the point.

These careful nightly contemplations,
It makes falling asleep so much more difficult,
And when I am at my most vulnerable,
That’s when addiction creeps in,
Clouding reason,
And impairing judgement,
It forms an illusion,
One where temporary pleasures make more sense than change.
I hate how weak I fall in the face of temptation,
When I thought I have it under control,
I willingly throw it all away,
And fall back in that vicious loop,
Contrary to what I believed,
Is it really so difficult to overcome?
Could it be that I really need help?

But maybe,
When all is said and done,
Given a choice,
Perhaps,
I wouldn’t change these nights after all,
Because maybe,
That’s when I truly get to be me,
After a time,
As much as I used to dread it,
Loneliness doesn’t seem that bad,
When you come to terms with it,
It can grow to be comforting,
If this is what was meant to be,
I guess I’d rather accept it than crib.

There’s also familiarity with the shadows,
Be it at parties, work or anywhere else,
At a time when I don’t feel a sense of belonging,
The embrace of these nights feel cosy,
I feel calm among the silence,
Not rushed,
And I can just breathe.
Make no mistake,
As much as the thought of staying lonely scares me, 
Maybe,
At some point,
I got used to it,
And it became easier to accept that fate than change it,
I guess I’ve been by myself for too long now,
And I wouldn’t know how to get past the awkwardness,
To blend in and actually form meaningful bonds,
Breaking out of this tedium seems daunting to me,
I don’t really know if I could do it,
Because deep down,
I’m still a frightened, nervous, tired kid,
Who just likes to be left alone sometimes.

When I’m by myself,
I can let it all go,
Stare blankly at the walls,
Look up at the ceiling fan as it keeps spinning until I get dizzy,
I can spoil myself with food without worrying about putting on weight,
Cry unnoticed and heal my own wounds,
The nights are liberating in that sense,
I don’t have to put up a facade,
Pretend to be strong,
Or worry about being a disappointment.

And when the world is still asleep,
That’s the only time I can catch up on myself,
It’s my only escape from the cruel reality I’ve known,
As much as it keeps me on edge sometimes,
Makes me feel gloomy, bitter and depressed,
I don’t think I’d have it any other way,
It gives me time to reflect, introspect and clear my head.
They know me better than anyone,
The only friend I’ve ever known to return,
Are these long, inescapable, yet homely
Nights.

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