Past Few Months…

These past few months,
How long has it been,
That I’ve hit rock bottom?
These past few months,
How long will it be,
That I claw my way out of this ordeal?
Why is it this way,
That I seem so close to escaping,
When the light seems close to grasp,
Only to fall flat on my face again?
And these past few months,
How many more of these few months,
Are left for me to bear?

It’s been difficult,
Not being able to step a foot outside,
But being choked within,
Day after day,
Time doesn’t pass,
Yet my sanity slips away into an abyss,
I tried to reason with myself,
But only ended up drawing blanks.

I thought I could fight it,
And there were times when things did look up,
But now that I think back,
All it was was an illusion,
Because at the end,
I found myself in a deeper pit than before,
When I made enough progress for me,
I had to compensate for their shortcomings,
Makeup for the follies I played no part in,
But maybe that’s what life is,
I can’t,
Not for a wild moment,
Believe anything else to be true,
I don’t want to be stronger,
All I want is to be happy for once.

At one point,
Coaxing myself became a lie,
And I winded up here,
Left with so many unanswered questions,
What do you think of before going to sleep,
That makes you want to see the light of the day?
Is it purpose,
Or desire for life,
Which wakes you up in the mornings?
What’s the first thought that crosses your mind when you open your eyes?

I always wondered if everyone has a reason,
Everyone but me.
Me,
I’m used to just yearning for sleep,
When things don’t weigh so heavy,
But even that’s drifted out of reach,
So I sit here wide-eyed,
It’s the story of every other night,
Just contemplating,
Shivering in the shuddering thoughts of my own subconscious under the shadowy veils of a starry sky,
Stifling,
It’s stifling,
I don’t have it in me to fight off all these 8 demons at once,
I’m not strong enough to keep them away,
Not after having fought all my life,
I always feel caged,
And that no matter what,
I’ll still be stuck here.
I have no will,
No motivation,
And no reason,
To ever wake up again,
I don’t see the point,
Things would just be easier if I didn’t.

Growing up estranged from my emotions,
And learning to disconnect my ears,
It’s left me hollow, numb and empty,
I know I can’t keep it bottled inside forever,
But if I confide in you,
Would things be any different?
Maybe there will be a day when this will just be a bad memory,
Maybe I’ll put down this load once and for all,
When I can.
But when it’s the present I’m struggling in,
This present that is like a curse,
Won’t it be simpler to just hold it in?
That’s the only way I know to cope,
The truth is,
As much as I want to scream and shout,
To let it all go,
This piling pressure won’t let me,
It will always muffle up my pleas,
Instead of exploding,
And maybe finally feeling some relief,
My foolish pride won’t let me,
It’d rather I implode,
Break down on the inside like I’ve always done,
And lay waste to what little of my health remains.

This loatheful place,
And memories I despise,
No matter where I run,
They’ll cling to me like tar,
Deluging me in a flood of sorrow,
So I guess it doesn’t even matter,
Letting go of the past sounds poetic,
But is impractical when it’s the only present you’re familiar with,
All the roads bring me back to this damned junction,
And I’ve already given up,
Accepted and resigned to fate,
I only wanted a normal life,
But I didn’t know when that became too much to ask for.

These past few months,
As difficult as they’ve been,
It would be a lie,
For me to say that I’m otherwise content,
Because as much as things may have deteriorated these past few months,
They weren’t ever really perfect to begin with,
The only thing that’s changed,
In these past few months,
Is that I got an excuse,
Something to blame & cover up my chronic anxiety,
In the form of these
Past few months.

2 thoughts on “Past Few Months…

Add yours

  1. The enforced quarantine associated w/ this pandemic has driven many to distraction. Rates of anxiety are higher than ever before. It may sound corny, but our peace and our hope rest w/ God. We are in His care, Sulaiman. There is a verse from Scripture I love. Forgive me if I’ve quoted it before. “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jer. 29: 11). This is not a promise that we will never encounter hardship. Rather it is a promise that God will stand by us and sustain us, whatever may come. There are brighter days ahead. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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