Even though it’s been this way for some time now,
Even though I remember it all slip away,
It was so gradual at first,
I found myself growing increasingly Indifferent,
I thought that it was only temporary,
Maybe I’d pull myself together eventually,
That’s what I believed,
But that cold indifference,
It began to stick,
Until it became difficult to adapt,
This dark feeling of never being good enough,
A harrowing inferiority,
No matter what I do,
I was never able to shake it off,
If I couldn’t overcome it till now,
Who’s to say I ever will?
It breaks me inside a bit more every day,
Pushes me into a corner,
It makes me want to crawl into a corner and remain hidden,
Away from people’s sights,
Away from being in a position that exposes my shortcomings.
I feel myself shrinking,
Being dwarfed all the time,
And try as I may,
I still feel so little every time I look around.
I don’t really know since when,
But I began to loathe my reflection,
I started to hate everything about the frail, scrawny and ugly reflection that stared back,
Dark and ugly scars all over,
Not worth a second look,
It’s only mediocrity that greets me,
An air of made-up arrogance,
Underneath which the real, vulnerable me is often missed.
It reminds me just how much of a failure I really am,
Lonely and uncared for.
His sheer incompetency and the embarrassingly weak-will at the face of temptation,
Always so helpless and weak.
The false promises to change,
To finally take a step in the right direction,
Like a broken-record that played over and over,
My reflection nags me with false promises that I could never materialise.
But never really doing anything about it,
It’s a struggle I haven’t been able to win.
And every time I take a step forward,
No matter what lane I pick,
I seem to come to face with a dead-end again.
My complacency pulls me right back,
I let myself go,
Giving myself undeserved pats on the back,
It pulls me back to square one.
And that momentary jubilation,
It then manifests into the inferiority I struggle with,
Only this time, more intense than ever.
It’s also made me bitter,
It isn’t fair,
Call it my immaturity,
But it tires me,
To know I could never be the subject of envy,
That people could possibly never think about me,
The way I do about them,
Stuck on the bottom rung,
I’m always the only one wanting to switch places.
How would you feel being constantly overshadowed?
To know that you’ll never be good enough,
That your best won’t ever suffice?
And to not amount to anything,
That fear eats at me each passing day,
It’s something I can’t rid myself of.
I was so desperate to make something of myself,
But all I managed so far, is just a failure.
It is for that very reason,
That the gentleness I so often have for others,
I cannot show myself that very kindness,
I can’t afford to soften up now,
Not when I’m still a no one.
The overburdening pressure of being noticed,
The irrational phobia of my every move being judged,
It keeps me paralyzed and locked in my room,
It pulled me away from those I knew,
Until bit by bit,
There was no one left.
And a time came when I found it easier to stay hidden,
Left alone in an empty space and away from the public eye.
As much as it hurts,
I foolishly continue to feed the loneliness in my heart,
That became the only cure to the crippling anxiety I developed,
I’ve forgotten how I used to be before,
The unanswered questions drive me to the brink of insanity.
Where do I start from?
How do I pick myself up?
Will a time ever come,
When I don’t feel so insignificant as I do?
As much as I despise this loneliness,
Why did I grow so comfortable living this way?
Is there a way out of this ordeal?
Or, is it true?
That I am just another drop,
In an ocean of infinity?
Whose disappearance would make no difference?
Did my fear to live the right way,
Become the very reason why I never could?